I just don't care anymore. I no longer have any passion for this scene or for this music. I can't even listen to 90% of the bands I used to listen to, after 2020 helped me discover how many of them sold me lies. I also think listening to depressing emo music has never helped me. Maybe for a brief moment, it's nice to hear someone singing the words you feel in your heart, but they've never helped me heal. They've only prolonged the pain.
I kept this thing going throughout the pandemic, despite my absolute hatred for some of the bands who used to be my all-time favorites for over two decades, because I enjoyed helping small bands and artists. I enjoyed discovering new music. These things no longer bring me any joy. In fact, very little brings me any actual joy these days. Such things happen when you're struggling to put food on the table for even one person, let alone a family. And at my age, a family likely will never happen.
This scene is not my community. I've met some awesome people along the way and have received some supportive messages from followers that have kept me going. Multiple times over the past four years I've talked about throwing in the towel, but people have messaged me saying that my presence has always let them know that they are not alone or that they are grateful to see me speaking against the narrative because as one person said, I spoke to a larger crowd than I ever realized. I'm sorry, but I can't be that presence any longer.
This website will remain, perhaps one day I will feel differently, perhaps not. Perhaps someone will buy the website off of me, perhaps not. I've already rejected a $10k offer from a larger internet radio station. The articles and such will remain and we will still have a "presence" in that sense, in the same way that a person might feel a ghostly presence in an old home where the owner died of some terrible tragedy.
When I go to shows, I no longer feel connected. Not to the music. Not to anyone around me, aside from perhaps a few dudes in the pit who I might bump in to and then share a smile with. I use to go to shows thinking I would make friends with like minded people, or at the very least, sing my heart out to some songs that mean a lot to me. That never happened, and unless I was attending a show with a girlfriend, ladies never looked my way either. Not that any of the so-called "ladies" in the scene these days impress me either. "Ladies" in this scene are quite often much manlier than many of the guys I see. And I'm not attracted to men, sorry if that hurts anybody's little LGBTQ+ feelings. I don't even want to be an "ally" at this point either after much of the abuse I've experienced from that community as a straight white male over 30.
Let's just say things have changed quite a bit over these past four years. When I go to shows now, I feel completely fucking alone, despite the fact that I'm smashed in a tiny area with a few hundred other people. I feel completely fucking isolated and on an island unto my own. I used to have moments in the pit where I might lock eyes with someone else as we are both signing the lyrics with all our heart. Bump a fist and share an awesome moment of connection with another individual. But I don't feel that connection anymore, and when you're pushing 40 in the pit, people don't look your way for much of anything other than to assume that you don't belong and why the fuck are you here?
At some point a person has to get off the island, even if it means running the risk of drowning at sea.
"I said I'd never walk away, but I'm not able to stay. I said I'd never leave this place, but I can't stay here to watch you fade and watch you change in to someone I can't face. I can't replace, I can't replace you."
I'm sharing a fan's live recording of this song because even though Silverstein is one of the few bands that hasn't exactly lost me as a supporter, I still refuse to share anything related to Hopeless Records or any of the other so-called "punk" labels that I used to love. This whole scene can eat a giant dick turned inside out.
It's been real.
-JD
PopPunkRadio.com