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"The Ants Are Angry" - The Misadventures of Little Rudger

Schmuck came running up to Little Rudger at school one morning before classes began. He had a huge grin on his face that could only mean one thing. "Yo bro, it's Fri-day!" he said, placing emphasis on the first syllable. "Meet at my house tonight." Yes! It was true! "Fri-day" meant someone had a date with Lucy and minds were about to be expanded that weekend.

Sandman, Koby, and Little Rudger met up with Schmuck in his mom's garage later that afternoon. Sandman sat down on a couch and started strumming an old acoustic guitar he brought with him. There was a bag of fast food left out from the previous night. A thick line of ants formed a highway traveling up the side of the couch and went across the arm to the leg of a table where the bag was sitting. Before the trip settled in, Schmuck grabbed the bag of food and threw it in a trash can outside. This sent the ants scurrying all over the place in a panic to find the missing food.

As the trip began to settle in, Sandman and Koby were in a stereotypical metal-head debate about which drummer was better. Koby made a strong argument for Rick Allen of Def Leppard who only had one arm. But Sandman was quite insistent that Animal from The Muppets was the best drummer he had ever seen perform live. "You never actually saw Animal perform live, Sandman. WTF." said Koby, scoffing at the ridiculous notion of a puppet performing a live show better than an actual rock star. "Dude, I totally did." replied Sandman. "It was part of their Movin' on Mupp Tour."



Little Rudger was uninterested in the silly debate. He was more interested in a pretty blue hookah he had just discovered in the corner of the garage. He cradled the large glass object in his hands carefully, gazing with curious eyes as if it were a magic lamp containing a genie. He grabbed the hose that stuck out from the side and sucked on the wooden mouth-piece. The dark blue glass was barely transparent enough to see that there was water inside. But the glass was also too dark to see much else. Little Rudger shook the object slightly. Water could indeed be heard splashing around inside. So why wasn't it making bubbles when Little Rudger sucked on the hose?

Schmuck had a tendency to space out and go in to his own little world inside of his head during these events. This night was one of the first times it had happened, so it was a little odd when he was suddenly staring straight ahead with a thousand yard stare as if stuck in a daydream. Little Rudger nudged Schmuck and asked him how to work the strange water-filled contraption. Schmuck was like a statue. Staring straight ahead. Unresponsive. Little Rudger gave him another nudge. Harder this time. Schmuck wobbled back and forth slightly but still stare straight ahead.

"Yo Schmuck!" Koby shouted using his hands cupped over his mouth to project the sound towards his stone-like friend despite the fact that he was only three feet away from him. Schmuck finally respond by looking over at Koby but still had a blank expression on his face. "How does that hookah work?" Koby said. Schmuck continued to stare back at Koby and didn't say anything. "Earth to Schmuck!" Sandman chimed in. Schmuck turned his head to look at Sandman with eyes that were now wide like a deer who had just wandered onto the road and was surprised by a pair of oncoming headlights. Still, he remained silent.

That's when it happened. The lights went out. Everything was black except for the boys and the objects they were sitting on which were now illuminated and glowing as if under a black light while seemingly floating in mid-air. A large man-sized ant approached. It was standing upright on two legs like a humanoid. Holding a rock-hard stale french-fry in one of its four hands which was raised and ready to swing. The three other hands were clenched tight in fists that were all shaking in unison like an old-timey farmer who had been bothered by one too many whippersnappers back in his day.



Koby shrieked like a girl and ducked under a blanket. Sandman dissipated backwards into the couch cushions which absorbed him like Homer Simpson sinking in to the hedges. Little Rudger was suddenly alone with the ant. He laid back on the chair and tried to play dead, hoping that the ants vision was like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Perhaps the ant couldn't see him if he could just hold his breath and avoid moving. Which of course wasn't true. 
 
The ant cracked his whip overhead and cackled a crazy ant laugh that was half Predator, half Charlie Brown's teacher, and half Ganon from the original NES Legend of Zelda video games. Or was it half Ganon-Predator and half Charlie Brown teacher? Maybe it was half Ganon and half Pred-teacher? Either way, Little Rudger was frightened. He knew his end would come one day but he never would have guessed it would happen by being clubbed to death with fast-food by a pissed-off giant insect.

Suddenly the lights came back on and the boys were sitting together in the garage again. "Woah! Welcome back guys." Schmuck finally spoke.

"Welcome back us?!" said Little Rudger. "Welcome back you!" he added, panting and holding his own chest while trying to catch his breath. 
 
Little Rudger's eyes lit back up like a kid who just realized that the Boogeyman isn't real. Giant ant be damned, Schmuck was back! This meant he could help fix the problem of the non functioning hookah.

Little Rudger snatched up the big blue bong and was about to hand it to Schmuck to ask him why it wasn't working. But now that Little Rudger was also feeling more back to a normal frame of mind, he immediately saw the problem. Yes, the device was indeed filled with water but the water wasn't filled up high enough to reach the down-stem which meant the smoke wasn't entering the water where it would be cooled and filtered before inhalation. The boys used a nearby bottle to fill the water level up enough to make the hookah functional again. Then enjoyed a "tasty" session.

The trip was winding down. Schmuck went inside the house to go rest in his own bed. The other three boys stayed out in the garage and made use of various furniture to sleep on. Sandman stay put on the couch where he had been all night, laying his head back to rest. Koby curled up like a dog on a pile of blankets in the corner with one leg sticking out and occasionally twitching. Little Rudger sprawled himself across a chair with its matching footrest pulled up to form a make-shift bed. The room fell quiet as the boys drift off to sleep.

"Ow!!!" Sandman broke the silence as he shot up abruptly, rubbing the back of his head as if it had been bit by something. "The ants are angry."

*Disclaimer: The Misadventures of Little Rudger is a work of literary fiction.

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