"The Condom Party" - The Misadventures of Little Rudger

Who knew the beach was so funny? Little Rudger didn't. Neither did his friends. Not until that night.

Little Rudger found himself in Southern California, standing in sand with waves crashing just a few feet away from him. The water was pitch black but the white-wash of the waves lapping up against the sand was glowing under the moonlight.

A seagull waddled around in the shallow water. Little Rudger lift his hand and point at the solitary bird. He didn't say a word. Neither did his friends. But somehow they all knew. Their faces lit up simultaneously and the trio burst into uncontrollable laughter together. Yup, Friday night was officially in full effect! The laughter continued uninterrupted for ten to fifteen minutes.

Little Rudger, Curly, and Buddy eventually started walking back towards the boardwalk to meet up with Mouth, who was babysitting the three open-minded friends. "What was so damn funny?" said Mouth.

"Dude..." Curly chuckled. Then paused awkwardly without finishing the sentence.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Don't say it." Mouth smiled. "Sounds like you guys are on a good one."

Mouth was talking to a someone he recognized, but Little Rudger didn't. Little Rudger felt awkward talking to someone he didn't know in his current state, so he walked over towards a row of vending machines. "They musn't know." he thought to himself, as he stood in front of the glowing machines. He reached into his pocket for some change but realized he didn't have any. "Oh shit, the jig is up!" his inner-dialogue spoke. "They're gonna know! Do something! Quick!"

Little Rudger looked over towards Mouth and the unfamiliar group he was talking to. No one was looking. At least, he was pretty sure no one was looking. He jumped between two of the vending machines, standing sideways between them, staring at glowing soda bottles on a tropical island. "Did your friend just go between the vending machines?" A voice said.

But Little Rudger didn't care. He suddenly found himself in the Caribbean wearing sunglasses and a bright blue Hawaiian shirt. A pretty woman wearing a grass skirt and pineapple bra approached, gazing deeply into his eyes. "Would you like to take a bath with Bubbles?" Little Rudger was speechless, but the dumb smile on his face as he nodded said that, yes, yes he did. The woman grabbed him gently by the hand and lead him towards an oasis, hips bumping side to side. Ba-dum! Ba-dum! Ba-dum! Little Rudger could hear the drum in her bum as she walked.

They were approaching the oasis, a small pool of water about the size of a hotel hot tub. Palm trees circled, creating a canopy above the pool that blocked out the sun. The woman let go of Little Rudger's hand and motioned toward an opening in the trees that lead to the pool. Little Rudger walked inside. Steam rose from the turbulent water, resembling a Jacuzzi with the jets on. A basket float in the middle of the pool. It was filled with ice that was somehow not melting from the heat. A bottle of orange drink lay back relaxing on a pile of ice. The bottle had a cute little face. "Hi, I'm Bubbles." it said.

"Fucking-a, not this bullshit again." Little Rudger stamped his foot. "What did you do with the purple one?"


Suddenly he was in the back seat of Buddy's car, which was being driven by Mouth. Buddy was in the passenger seat with his head and shoulders poking out of the window like a happy dog. Curly was in the back next to Little Rudger. They didn't know what they were looking for, but they knew that they had found it when they saw the only other two cars on the road turn into a neighborhood up ahead. It was a house party! Mouth parked the car a few houses down and the four boys got out and walked up to the door.

Music was bumping inside the house as the boys approached. They saw inside a window just as they reached the door and were about to knock. Everyone inside looked older. It was a college party. "Aw, shit." Mouth said. The high school boys looked at each other, shrugged, and then turned around and walked back down the driveway.

A group of girls had recently parked nearby and saw the boys walk up to the door and then immediately walk back away from the house. "Leaving so soon?" One of the girls asked.

"We don't know anybody." said Curly.

"Well come on in and introduce yourself, Sweety." she said, as she put her arm around Buddy's shoulder, turning him around. The rest of the boys followed.

The boys were led to a backyard full of drunk college kids. They rushed over to a stack of plastic cups, grabbed one each, and then stood in line at a keg in the corner. As Little Rudger approached the keg, he held out his cup to have it filled by a college kid who was filling up cups. The college kid stopped when it was Little Rudger's turn. "Are you even old enough to be here?" he said.

Little Rudger paused and stare back at the college kid for an awkward moment. "Bro, look at my eyes..." Little Rudger said.

The college kid stare back at Little Rudger for a moment, then he turned to another college kid who was standing next to him. They both looked at each other for a moment. The keg master shrugged and the cup was filled.

Inside the house, MTV Spring Break videos were playing on TV and everyone was freak-dancing in the living room. It was close to an orgy, except everyone had their clothes on. Well, almost everyone.

One of the girls that had originally led the group of boys in approached. "Everyone is just sleeping here tonight, you boys are welcome to stay." she said. Then added, "You're very lucky to be here, most of these guys play on the football team."

"What team is that?" Mouth asked.

The girl turned to Mouth and said something that Little Rudger could just barely make out.

"Psssh..." he chuckled to himself, shaking his head in disbelief. "Condoms don't play football."


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