I never got to go on tour but I performed live music just barely long enough to be able to honestly say I've been paid to play on stage. And long enough to learn that some people look at you like a total weirdo and call you a poser if you decline alcohol or drugs before going on stage. I always hit the stage with at least three drinks "and two Vicodin" in me (thanks, Alkaline Trio). However, one time I showed up at noon for band practice in commercial warehouse and passed on a drink or hit of drugs (I forget which, but I think it was drugs) and was scolded for "not being a true rockstar." :shrug: It was only noon, for fucks sake!
A day after posting about not wanting to listen to emo music anymore and here I am sharing this. Although, I'm not going to play it on repeat while doing drugs and crying alone, like I used to.
My last relationship wasn't perfect, but it was really great in a lot of ways. What relationship ever is "perfect?" Perfection doesn't exist in nature.
I had my concerns, as did she. But ultimately we were supportive of each other and made each other feel loved.
However, I could have done a lot more to make her feel as loved as she made me feel. Particularly so during the last year or two of our relationship. At times, I had eyes outside of the relationship, but I was largely just looking for a distraction from my own pain.
My lack of affection and care towards her wasn't because of her. It was because of my lack of ability to get myself back on my own two feet financially, following the destruction of my career-plans due to Joe Biden's plan-demic.
When you're a Trump supporter who works in the tech industry, you have a great big target on your back. Regardless if you ever even supported Trump prior to 2020 or not. Regardless if you ever even talk about politics at work. As a white male over 30, you are almost automatically assumed to be a Trump supporter by your libtard peers. Unless perhaps you dress like a trans-dork. Which I absolutely do not.
I fell further and further into my own hole and developed a tunnel vision where I couldn't focus on anything else but my own sorrows, my own joblessness.
I struggled for four years to build a YouTube channel, thinking I was going to break free from Big Tech and build something for myself. Something that no one could take away from me.
Well, it went nowhere. I never generated more than $150 in a single month. meanwhile, I was pouring enough hours into it to make a Chinese sweatshop worker have pity on me. My hourly rate was under a dollar an hour. I kept plugging away at it thinking that someday it would grow, and when it did, the revenue would make it all worth while.
Well, it never happened. And these days, even major youtuber's are complaining about not making as much income.
The bright side is, I recently started developing an AI music business that is already paying me more than YouTube ever did. I made a recent pivot in my strategy that has paid off, and although it is early, I see light at the end of the tunnel.
YouTube demonetized my channel because I got lazy and started re-posting a bunch of old lazy content just so I could at least generate over $100/mo with minimal time invested. This turned in to a blessing in disguise, because in my anger and frustration, I vented to an AI chatbot that I felt like a total failure. Everything I touch turns to shit!
I went back to school to get a master's degree in order to close a gap on my resume. I got hired on contract at Apple directly following my graduation. Only to end up with a brand new gap on my resume thanks to Covid. I spent the following 4-5 years pounding on that fucking door screaming "LET ME BACK IN!"
Fact of the matter is, that door closed on me for a reason. I likely would never even want to work in such a hostile environment anymore. Rather than pivot and seek employment in a different field of work, I doubled down on trying to build something for myself, even when it clearly wasn't going anywhere fast.
I told the AI that I was fed the fuck up with being out of work in my industry and not having the social network to help me overcome it. I told the AI I was fed up with struggling to build something for myself that goes absolutely nowhere!
Eventually the AI asked me if I had ever considered task-based work. I get paid based on each task I perform, rather than an hourly wage. I said "YES! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I HAVE! But tell me where I can find it!!!"
Well, I found it. AI gave me a handful of websites to give a try and I was immediately able to find an improve-acting gig to train AI systems for video games. I can build my acting resume and my tech resume concurrently. I proved anyone wrong who thought I was a lazy fuck by completing so many tasks that I was put on hold because I had completed "too many" of them. My data was taking up more than 1% of their overall data pool, which they didn't want. So I was put on hold temporarily.
I was added to a group of "high-performers" who was told that we are great actors. They told us that due to our excellence, any referrals we bring in will give us an extra 50% bonus, because they assume we will be able to bring in a higher quality of recruits for the position. I'm not a piece of shit. Not anymore.
Thankfully, I was able to get my credit card nearly paid off in just a few short weeks of work. I worked my fucking ass off during those few weeks. I worked at a fever pitch like a man possessed, who had been out of work for nearly six fucking years and didn't know where his next dollar would come from. So I took full-advantage of the opportunity.
I'll be starting on my second assignment soon. Ready to start putting a major dent in my student loan.
I can re-apply for YouTube monetization, in two more months, but at this point, I'm not sure I even want to. YouTube wasted 4 years of my fucking life that I can never get back. YouTube caused me to spend so much time wallowing in poverty that the person who loved me to death lost that love and found someone else.
I can point the finger at YouTube all I want, and maybe I'm right to do so. But I also have to point the finger at myself for allowing myself to get stuck in it for so long. I should have gotten off of the computer, gone to church, developed a community that could give me the support I needed to put wind back in my sails. To help me find another job, even if it wasn't in my industry and wasn't as lucrative. At least I would've had enough income to treat my girlfriend the way I was able to do earlier in the relationship.
She made a decision. I helped her make that decision by being so tunnel-visioned on my own problems.
I always felt that I would be able to make it up to her when I finally made that breakthrough. Gifts would be plentiful. We would've had two big screen TVs in our living room so we could game together. I would have even loved to have her son living with us so we could all play video games together.
I feel bad that I wasn't always my best during that relationship. I wallowed too much in self-pity and neglected to take the actual steps to get myself back out there. And overcome the obstacles that had been dropped in front of me.
It's something that will eat away at me for the rest of my life. :(
