WHY EMO MUSIC IS ACTUALLY A HORRIBLE ADDICTION

I hate the fact that I spent so many years of my life listening to whiny bullshit emo music.

I have depression. I have always had depression.

Not the kind where you hurt yourself. More like the kind where you feel a deep inner-sense of hopelessness and grief. 

I used to do coke just to listen to sad music and cry. I was literally getting high off of my own sadness. What the fuck was I doing to myself? I thought that cocaine was helping me mask the pain, but the entire time it was lubricating my pain.

It's nice to listen to sad music that you can relate with. There is a healing power in it, to an extent. I'm not saying all sad music is bad. But ruminating in it can also cause us to prolong the experience. Remaining in our sorrows for too long when we could be actually doing something productive that puts us on a better pathway towards healing.

I have depression. I have always had depression. I don't need help feeling even more depressed than I already do. I need help feeling the opposite of depressed.

So why the fuck did I spend so much time making my depression worse by doing coke?! I thought it was helping but it only prolonged my sadness. It only amplified the pain. A half hour of feeling good, followed by a week of crying my eyes out is not helpful.

I feel sad enough on my own. I don't need drugs to help me feel even worse.

I used to always bullshit myself and others. I would post on social media about how it had been a year since I did coke. Which wasn't completely true. I may have cut back significantly, but I was still doing tiny amounts on rare occasion. In my mind, the reduction was a step forward, but that shit was still having an affect on my brain. Even in very small, but regular, doses.

This time I can say it with a straight face. I have not done cocaine in over a year, minimum. None whatsoever. No stretching a gram bag out for 3 months and calling it a "victory." It hasn't even been in my possession. I didn't keep an exact date when my last bag ran out, but I know it was shortly after a falling out with a friend that I had a little over a year ago. I know it can take up to two years for the brain to fully heal, but after this long and still having bouts of major depression, I think its pretty obvious that it hasn't all been caused by drugs.

Despite having been clean from any hard drugs whatsoever, and drinking almost hardly at all, I still turn in to a blubbering crying mess when I think too much about recent tragedies and mistakes in my life. Which tells me that my severe bouts of depression are not caused by drugs. Drugs just made them much worse.

Which once again begs the question, what the fuck was I doing to myself for so long?

At least I haven't been ruminating in my own pain by listening to sad songs anymore. They never helped me make a meaningful change in my life.

Since the pandemic destroyed my career plans, few words have had the same impact on me as the following phrase; "Well that just means God had other plans for you."

I'm finding more answers through church than I ever did through sad songs.

Fuck emo music.